


Wear Your Lanyard At All Times

by sabinelagrande



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Embarrassment, Episode: s01e22 Beginning of the End, Established Relationship, F/M, Farce, M/M, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 21:49:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1618229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And always make sure to announce your presence when you arrive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wear Your Lanyard At All Times

When he sees there's someone in his bed, Phil's first impulse is to grab the nearest blunt object and throw it as hard as he can.

That's not what he ends up doing.

"Barton?" he says in disbelief, dropping his clock unceremoniously back onto the dresser.

"Surprise, Director," Clint says, grinning smugly.

Most of Phil's disbelief is because Clint is here at all. Phil hasn't been able to raise him since, well, since Hydra, and here he is, without a scratch on him.

The rest of Phil's disbelief, and the reason he can tell Clint doesn't have a scratch on him, is because Clint is in Phil's bed completely bare-ass naked.

"How did you even-" Phil starts, but he can't even finish his thought, not when Clint is being all naked in his bed and everything, his cock hard against his stomach, like he's just been waiting here for Phil to come in and devour him.

"Fury gave me your coordinates," Clint tells him. He holds up the brightly-colored badge attached to the lanyard around his neck. "I've been vetted and everything, no tricks or secret gadgets, though I'll let you search me _very_ thoroughly if you're not satisfied."

"We really need to talk about improving lanyard procedures before anyone else shows up," Phil says, mostly to himself.

"We can talk later," Clint says, rolling his eyes. "Right now I want your cock, so bring it over here."

"Uh, I mean, it's really tempting and everything, and I'm glad that-" Phil stammers.

"What's the holdup?" Skye says, and that is the instant that Phil regrets that his first impulse was not to shut the goddamn door.

Phil freezes, unable to get unstuck fast enough to stop Skye from coming in; his only contribution towards ameliorating this situation is hoping Skye suddenly falls through a heretofore undiscovered trap door. 

Then Skye freezes too, staring at the bed.

"That's Hawkeye," Skye says.

"Yeah," Phil says.

"Um, hi," Clint says, also frozen.

"Hawkeye is naked," Skye says.

"Yes, I see that," Phil says.

"I don't know what you were planning, but you know I don't like you like that, right?" Skye says, finally prying her eyes away from Clint. She motions between herself and Phil. "One of the two of us has to go."

Clint very belatedly snaps out of it, covering his lap quickly. "Maybe I should, um-"

Phil looks around wildly. "Shit, um-"

"Pants," Skye says. "Let's, um, let's get you some pants, Hawkeye-"

"Clint," an icy voice says from behind Phil, and now Phil wants his own trap door.

"Hey, Melinda," Clint says, in his best 'you wouldn't beat up a guy this charming, right?' tone, throwing the sheets over his head.

Phil can't actually see Melinda's face, but he swears he can _hear_ her narrowing her eyes. "What is my ex-husband doing here?"

"He's not really your ex-husband," Phil says, trying to sound casual. "I mean, you used to be married to him, but he's a SHIELD agent, or he was, but I guess now he is again, if he wants-"

"Oh yeah, I totally want to," Clint adds hurriedly. "I have a lanyard and everything-"

"Let me rephrase my question," Melinda says, in a voice that promises great violence very quickly. "What is _my_ ex-husband doing in _your_ bed?"

Phil swallows. "Um, about that-"

"What are we looking at?" Tripp says from the doorway, and Phil puts his face in his hands.

"Why are all these people coming into your bedroom?!" Clint demands, his voice slightly muffled.

"Okay, I know we have a lot of things, but I really don't think we have a talking bed," Tripp says, and Phil looks up to find that Clint is now actually _underneath_ the bed, which Phil thinks is probably a pretty good place to be right about now.

"What would we do with a talking bed?" Skye asks skeptically.

"Now you see why I'm confused," Tripp replies.

"What's got everybody so excited?" Simmons says from the hallway, and Phil's brain finally clicks back on.

"Okay, everyone who isn't an Avenger and wants to keep their job, into the hall," he orders, herding everyone out. He doesn't quite slam the door in their faces, though he does lock it as hard as he possibly can. "You can probably come out now."

"I'm never coming out," Clint says. "Leave me here to die."

"If you die, I'm telling Koenig you didn't deserve your lanyard," Phil says. "Is that what you want?"

"He's just so _earnest_ ," Clint says, rolling out from under the bed, still tangled up in the blanket. "You can't do that. It'd be like kicking a puppy."

"I am really glad to see you," Phil says, giving Clint a hand up and helping him get free of the fabric. "If I'd been alone, things would have been really, really different."

"I'd like to think so," Clint says. "I went to a lot of trouble for this."

Phil gives him a look. "What did you do?"

"Actually I just kinda got naked and tried to decide what my hottest pose was," Clint tells him, shrugging.

"It was a good pose," Phil says, hooking an arm around his waist and pulling him in for a kiss. "We can revisit the pose. Right now we have a secret spy organization to rebuild."

"Roger that, Director," Clint says.

"Don't call me that," Phil says.

Clint frowns. "I'm not going to not call you Director," he says. "It's a big deal. Life's work finally paid off, local boy makes good kinda thing."

Phil kisses him again. "What I really meant was, don't call me Director in front of other people," he says. "It's too hot when you say it, and now all I'm going to be able to think of when you do is you naked and waiting for me."

"You do know I'm going to spring it on you all the time now, right?" Clint says, grinning.

"I am very aware," Phil says, sighing. "But I'd prefer comically-timed surgical strikes to walking around hard all day."

"Goddamn I missed you," Clint tells him, pulling him close.

"Me too," Phil says softly, holding onto him for a long moment. Clint's not expecting Phil to slap his ass when they part, and that's exactly why Phil does it. "Now put your pants on. We have company."

"You're an asshole," Clint says, laughing. " _Director._ "

"Don't you forget it," Phil tells him. "Get moving. We have work to do."


End file.
